I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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