i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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