Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The feeling are messing with the penis
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
