theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
