I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
