I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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