Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
