none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
