i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
