my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
