if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
