also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
