i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
