I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
