Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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