She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
