he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Pants are for mortals
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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