Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
love makes seman taste better
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
