We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
