I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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