Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
