dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
