Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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