Four minutes until I can fart!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
