My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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