Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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