bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
