I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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