I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
