He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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