The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
