that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
