I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
