I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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