Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
