I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
