that's what penises do
they tell lies.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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