Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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