I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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