garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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