I can text with my tongue
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He better not be in your backpack
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
