a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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