why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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