I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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