I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
