i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
