the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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