FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
