Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
