youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
